Modi's Skill India Campaign- The Pahlaj Nihalani Way!!

Perhaps as part of the ‘Skill India’ program- which aims to train over 40 crore Indians in different skills by 2022; the Government of India had decided to appoint Pahlaj Nihalani as the Head of the Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC). “Our goal is clear, as part of Modiji’s pet program, we want to empower and provide the requisite skills to people like Nihalani- the producer of internationally acclaimed films like ‘Paap ki Duniya’, Aag Ka Gola’, ‘Aandhi-Toofan’ & ‘Shola Aur Shabnaam,’ to be able to judge whether mediocre filmmakers, who have produced or directed mediocre films like ‘Black Friday’, ‘Gangs of Wasseypur’, ‘Queen’, ‘Masaan’ and ‘NH10’; should be allowed to screen their films,” said a Government of India official on the condition of anonymity. Explaining further, he said, “Other eminent personalities who have benefited from the ‘Skill India’ program include legendary actor Gajendra Chauhan, who has been appointed as FTII Chairman, and eminent scholar Mrs. Smriti Zubin Irani who has been made the central minister for HRD. Mrs. Irani has enhanced her ‘skills’ by completing her BA, B.Com, B.Sc., M.B.B.S, B.D.S., L.L.B, & B.E. from various Indian, global, and universal universities, and we hope Mr. Nihalani would be able to prove himself equally competent, if not more.”

Pahaj Nihalani has taken up this challenge; and newly armed with the ‘cutting skills’ acquired as part of the ‘Skill India’ program, has unleashed them on hapless films. He recently decided to prune a kissing scene in the latest James Bond flick ‘Spectre’ from 30 seconds to 8 seconds, as he felt it was getting 22 seconds too uncultured for the celibate Indian audience. When quizzed why the scene was reduced to 8 seconds, and not 7 or 9, he proudly displayed his recently procured gadget, the ‘sanskaar-o-meter’. “This device has been accredited by the ‘BAA’, i.e. The Baba Ramdev & Aloknath Administration,” he said smiling broadly, “it detects the ‘sanskaar’ quotient of scenes, and any scene falling below the ‘BAA’ guidelines is immediately chopped off.” Nihalani also mentioned that distinguished, knicker-clad scientists in the RSS are working hard at adding features to the ‘sanskaar-o-meter’. "It will soon start detecting & deleting scenes which are ‘too political’, ‘too practical’ & ‘too logical’ as well," he boasted. Sources however point out that Ekta Kapoor has developed a cheat code to fool Nihalani’s device, and has successfully used it to get her movie ‘Kya Kool Hai Hum 3’ passed by the Censor Board. After much prodding, Ekta Kappor agreed to give away her secret cheat code. “It’s no rocket science,” she repeated thrice, accompanied by loud background music, “I had just put the nozzle of the ‘sanskaar-o-meter’ in my mouth, and said ‘Bharat Mata Ki Jai’ five times.”

Luckily, ‘The Jungle Book’ did not face any such problems with the Censor Board. Nihalani though justified giving the children's film a UA rating with the argument that the villainous tiger ‘Sher Khan’ was ‘too scary for kids’. However, few people who have watched the Nihalani produced Anil Kapoor starrer ‘Andaz’ in the early 1990s, testified recently that it was the most terrifying experience of their life, something which has left them scarred forever.

The Ministry of Information & Broadcasting (IB), Government of India, under whom the Censor Board falls, has however categorically denied any involvement in the censorship of films. Rajyavardhan Rathore, the junior IB minster said matter-of-factly, “We have no role to play in the functioning of the Censor Board. To use a metaphor, our influence on Nihalani is as limited as the ISI or Pakistani Army’s influence on terrorists in Kashmir. So, it is grossly unfair for the media to blame us.” Disappointed with Rahtore’s comments, several filmmakers approached the Prime Minister’s office (PMO) seeking his intervention. However, they were spurned by the PM’s principal secretary. The secretary said that Modi ji was busy showering his ‘Mann ki Baat’ on the US Congress, and had no intention to listen to the worthless ‘Mann ki Baat’ of his countrymen. He also warned that if the filmmakers tried to disturb “His Highness” NaMo any further, he would levy the Pahaj Nihalani Cess of 0.5% on their upcoming ventures.

Disclaimer: The above article is a work of fiction intended to bring a smile to your face. They bear no connection to events and characters in real life.