Why this Catastrophe Ji??

Karan Johar must be feeling the jitters. He has associated the name of his much anticipated film featuring Sanjay Dutt & Hrithik Roshan with a brand that is falling faster than the TRPs of Big Boss 5. The 'Agneepath' series between India & Australia has been a disaster from the Indian context. So far, the Kangaroos have displayed all the ‘agnee’ (fire), while the visitors have fallen by the 'path' (wayside).

India has tasted six Test defeats in a row (keeping aside the 'child abuse' India inflicted on home soil against the hapless Carribeans), which is a serious matter for concern. However, the electronic media is delighted. With the Anna movement losing gas, they were struggling to find eyeball grabbing news, MS Dhoni's men have given them enough ammunition for atleast a month or two. As is the norm during India’s cricketing catastrophes; 1.2 billion cricket experts have given various reasons for India’s freefall-some insightful, while others genuinely ingenious. For example- A senior journalist of a popular English news channel; related this delightful theory with a smug ‘know-it-all’ expression on his face. He said that for any team to be successful at the Test level, it should have 4-5 players who are between 0-10 Tests old; the reason being your appetite for success starts decreasing proportionately thereafter. Hence, India loses 3 (Ashwin, Yadav, Kohli) - 5 (Cowan, Warner, Pattinson, Lyon, Marsh) to the Aussies in this ‘appetite’ business. I am sure if asked he could have drawn couple of ‘normal distribution’ graphs to validate his point. Phew!! With such an in-depth analysis, one wonders why he is wasting his time in the TV studio rather than being a part of India’s space research program. 

However, not all post-mortem reports have been as interesting as the last one. They mostly talked about reasons like lack of preparation, cash rich IPL, ageing middle-order, uninspiring leadership, pathetic bowling… blah blah blah. Thus, it was fitting that it was wannabe model Poonam Pandey who ‘EXPOSED’ the ‘NAKED’ truth (pun intentional) about India’s humiliation. She quipped that Indian batsmen are like faithful husbands; they ‘perform’ only at home. Speaking about Indian batsmen, there is one batsman hailing from South India who has proved to be a thorn in the flesh for the Aussie bowlers. No guys, not Rahul Dravid- but Ravichandra Ashwin. Undoubtedly, he fulfills two major criteria required to be a legendary Indian batsmen; firstly- he is a pathetic runner between the wickets & secondly- susceptible against the short ball. I feel both Ashwin & his prime competitor Harbhajan Singh can give Kapil Dev a run for his money as India’s finest allrounder; my only request to them is- Please learn to bowl a little bit of off-spin too. However if they can’t, the spinner’s position should go to a certain Virat Kohli. One learns that the Delhi boy has really become an expert in using his ‘fingers’, or atleast the middle one (probably he’s being coached by Greg Chappell).

Any talk of Indian cricket is incomplete without discussing India’s most prolific run machines. Sachin Tendulkar & Rahul Dravid. Though it would be silly to doubt their class, there is no denying that their skills are on the wane, especially the latter. It’s amazing that at no point in his 15 year old international career did a cement company think of signing the ‘Wall’ up as their brand ambassador. They are unlikely to review their decision now, considering huge cracks have appeared on it, through which the ball repeatedly sneaks through. However all is not lost for Rahul, he can still land up a lucrative advertising offer from Amul if he works hard and consistently keeps spilling catches through his ‘butter’-fingers.  There are no such problems with Sachin though, with the master looking in sublime touch. It has been reliably learnt that couple of ‘goras’ are considering other career options rather than face the challenge of squaring up against him. No- you guessed it wrong; these ‘goras’ are not Peter Siddle or Ben Hilfenhaus, BUT Hollywood directors Christopher Nolan & Martin Scorsese. They had always prided themselves in directing edge of the seat thrillers which kept the audience glued to their seats for 90 minutes, gasping at each unexpected twist & turn. However, our ‘little master’ has beaten them hands down!! Initial reports suggest his directorial masterpiece ‘Kab Banega 100^th Century’ has kept more than a billion people on the tenterhooks for OVER 9 MONTHS!! 

His skipper though has suggested that the team is not too perturbed by Sachin not reaching the milestone. This he said when a reporter asked him the question…ummm….Well, no one remembers the question; for our ‘Captain Cool’ gives such essay type answers to even multiple choice questions, that at the end of it, even the reporter is left wondering what exactly did he ask. Anyways, he is a refreshing change from our earlier captains. Azharuddin shrugged more than he spoke; Dada was crisp & precise; while Tendulkar’s voice was so feeble, that the journalist at the end of the room had to copy the notes from the front bencher after the press conference.

The good news is that the BCCI has already shown its strong intention to resurrect India’s falling fortunes in Test cricket by announcing the IPL-5 schedule just 2 hours after the Sydney debacle. My sources tell, that the board took this action after some frail young bearded man called Dhanush barged into the room of Mr. N.Srinivasan (board president) & asked him the question- ‘Why this Catastrophe, Catastrophe, Catastrophe Ji.’