Why these coaches, currently being overlooked, can be the best bet for Team India.

The Virat Kohli- Anil Kumble combo turned out to be a match ‘not so’ made in heaven after all. The CAC committee comprising of Sachin Tendulkar, Laxman and Ganguly while appointing Kumble as the head coach about a year ago, had probably thought that the duo would definitely gel well, considering their Bangalore connect- both having led the Royal Challengers Bangalore franchise in the IPL. Alas, it wasn’t to be! The BCCI had of course invited applications for the coach’s post a few days before the start of the Champions Trophy. But to their utter dismay, the only interests they received were either from regular run of the mill candidates like Tom Moody & Richard Pybus, or from prominent twitteratis like Virender Sehwag, apart from a few other also-rans. Hence, somewhat hopefully the board has decided to ask for fresh applications. Infact, a BCCI official was heard saying, “If the long forgotten Dodda Ganesh can return from the realms of obscurity, and harbor hopes of being the next Team India coach, one could easily forgive our ruling party for choosing Ram Nath Kovind as its Presidential candidate.”

Therefore, considering the fact that there is a genuine paucity of suitable candidates for the coach’s position, I think that as an arm chair cricket expert (alongwith approximately half a billion other Indians), it is my moral right as well as fundamental duty to point out some unconventional yet inspirational options who, the BCCI seems to be overlooking; and who, given the opportunity, can steer the Indian team towards cricketing excellence.

a) Donald Trump- Alongwith making ‘America Great Again’, we can certainly request him to make the Indian cricket team ‘great again’ too! As Team India coach, he would impose a travel ban on the likes of Mohammed Aamir, Jimmy Anderson, Dale Steyn, Mitchell Starc, Kagiso Rabada, and any other fast bowler who can swing the red cherry at 145 km per hour, to prevent the prospect of Indian batsmen squaring up against them. On special request, he may also consider imposing a ban on Jasprit Bumrah travelling beyond the crease in his delivery stride. The Indian batting line up has been missing the ever dependable ‘Wall’ (Rahul Dravid), especially during overseas tours, ever since the master technician retired in 2012. Coach Trump can help solve this issue once and for all by erecting a permanent ‘Wall’- which will bat for India on pitches across the globe; what’s more- he’ll also make our opponents ‘pay for it’. The only downside of opting for Trump is that he may instruct BCCI to modify its name from- The Board of Control for Cricket in India to The Board of ‘Covfefe’ for Cricket in India.

                          Coach Trump strategizing with captain Kohli

b) Arvind Kejriwal- Delhi’s part time chief minister-cum-full time movie critic and internationally accredited ‘proof’ collector could be an ideal choice. He would prevent cricketers from getting demotivated after the thrashings they receive on the cricket field by refusing to believe such ‘rumors’. Had he been the coach during the Champions Trophy final, he would have asked for several rounds of video evidence from the Pakistan team to prove they have actually beaten India; and later, would have gone on a ‘dharna’ (protest demonstration) against the ICC claiming that the ‘score-sheets’ were fake!

Coach Kejri demanding video evidence from Pakistan to prove India's loss in CT2017

c) Narendra Modi- Yes, any list of achievers in today’s ‘new India’ is blasphemous without the inclusion of the world’s most accomplished globe trotter, who is also often seen in the role of India’s Prime Minister. This coach’s modus operandi would be to subject all the team members to a few hours of ‘Mann ki baat’ every weekend, wherein he would deliver a long monologue on how statistically, in the next 30 years, we have immense potential to be at par with the invincible West Indies cricket team of the 70s & 80s or the clinical Aussies of late 90s and early 2000s. No questions would be entertained during this session. On the brighter side however, the lecture would not be followed by any strategy or execution at the ground level; which should please Virat Kohli, who was reportedly miffed with Kumble’s hard taskmaster like style of functioning. Plus, NaMo’s extensive experience of visiting foreign lands may help the team perform better during their overseas’ tours.

Coach Modi sharing his 'Maan ki baat' with Team India

d) Arnab Goswami- The nation definitely wants to know why the BCCI hasn’t yet offered the coach’s role to the biggest rabble-rouser and nationalist of our times. As coach, the prime-time anchor would help plot India’s revenge for the Champions Trophy defeat to Pakistan by cancelling all Indo-Pak cricket matches in future. “My simple logic is that- if we do not play, there is no risk of losing,” Arnab will say, adjusting his silky hair in the meantime, “instead I will organize an Indo-Pak prime-time shouting contest within the confines of my television studio, wherein, I will humiliate the Pakistanis by not only screaming over them, but also lowering their microphone volume to ensure that they are rendered inaudible. If required, I will request Mr. Sunny Deol- a veteran of matches involving lung power, to assist me in this endeavor. Mission accomplished!”

Coach Goswami thrashing the Pakistanis in a shouting contest

e) Vijay Mallya- Kumble and Kohli’s ex-boss in the IPL and avid cricket enthusiast (as demonstrated by turning up uninvited at every match played, and every party hosted by the Indian team during the Champions Trophy) won’t be a bad choice. His after-match parties are known to be an unfailing source of motivation for cricketers of all hues; and by appointing him, the BCCI would be able to do what the central government couldn’t, i.e. force him to return to India- well atleast whenever there is a home series scheduled.

Coach Mallya and Kohli indulging in 'Bro'mance 

f) Pratibha Patil- As evident from Kumble’s farewell statement published on twitter, it seems that Virat Kohli wants a coach who would allow the captain to run the team as he desires, with hardly any interference (if at all) in the team’s functioning. Having served for half-a-decade as the most accomplished rubber stamp president ever–a post which itself is an ornamental one, bereft of any real powers; she definitely has the required qualifications desired by Kohli. 

Disclaimer: The above article is a work of fiction intended to bring a smile to your face. They bear no connection to events and characters in real life.

Image Source: The Hindustan Times, The Quint, The Faking News, http://delhi.gov.in